Cellular
by NotQuiteBerserk
Summary: Just a little oneshot to poke fun at the dungeons of Camelot. No Slash.


**Long AN coming up, feel free to skip it after the bit about my penname. :) **

**IMPORTANT****: You may have noticed a slight change to my penname, this is because I've actually learnt how to spell berserk, (apparently there isn't actually a 'z' in it, who knew?) I'm sorry if this annoys/confuses/inconveniences anyone but it was really starting to bug me… so deal with it.**

**To **_Lenore _**(and anyone else who has asked me to continue social oddities, if you're reading this) I would continue social oddities if I felt I could without ruining it, it was just meant to ask a question about an inconsistency that I'd noticed in the show, I have no idea what the answer would be and have no wish to guess, I'm glad you liked it that much but no matter how good your puppy-dog eyes are I won't continue it. Sorry.**

**Ok, I know this is not that good and it's a bit OOC, but it is random, very random, and it was the only one on my profile that I could actually be bother to continue.**

He sighed they should know by now that this charade truly was ridiculous. He would leave it perhaps... 3 hours? And then blow the door of its hinges _again._

"Ah, Arthur, do I get to know what this is about?" The prince had finally decided it was actually worth his time to visit Merlin.

"Oh, you know, the usual. They think you're a sorcerer." The prince appeared to think for a moment before turning back to his incarcerated manservant. "This seems to happen a lot to you doesn't it, you know I'm actually starting to think that you _do _have magic."

It was lucky that Arthur would never win prizes for his observational skills because Merlin was looking decidedly more shifty. "Oh, come on Arthur, out of all the people your father has arrested in the last few years, how many have actually been guilty, anyway, I have a perfect track record."

"Does this track record include the time you _fell asleep_ whilst mucking out the horses?"

"I can expl-"

"Or the time you spent the day in the pub whilst Dragoon the Great was running round the castle?"

"When Gaius said I was-"

"Or perhaps the time that you-"

"OK, Arthur, you've made your point, but I've never actually been successfully accused of magic." Merlin in fact thought that this was a rather good and well-constructed argument.

"You've never stayed in jail long enough to stand trial." Although… that was a rather good counter argument. "How _do_ you escape all the time? These locks are actually quite good."

They both took a moment to examine the cell door. The lock defiantly looked very formidable, all black and metal-y, defiantly difficult to pick. The hinges on the other hand were a twisted mess. The multiple times Merlin had *ahem* _removed_ the door had certainly taken its toll on what used to be a well-made set of hinges. The door had been hastily returned to its original position, but there had not been time to replace the joints.

In an almost dream-like state Merlin reached out and rapped the hinges once with his knuckles, it was almost comical the way the door fell, almost in slow motion, to the floor.

It too a Arthur a long moment to find his voice. "Point taken." He seemed a bit at a loss as to what to do for a minute, but rallied spectacularly. "Right, Merlin _stay here_. If you are _not _here by the time I come back there _will_ be consequences, _do you understand me?_ I'm going to go and get a blacksmith, you are not going to leave here for _whatever_ reason. I don't care if the cell's on fire or if you are up to you neck in flood water or even if your attention gets distracted by a passing butterfly. You _stay _here."

.❃.❂.❃.

It was an hour or so later that the screams began. Someone or something was attacking the castle. Seriously, the magical population really needed to get a better hobby.

He couldn't see much out of the window, just a few sets of boots and the hems of a couple red cloaks. It was almost tempting to try out the new spell he'd found that would allow him to see through solid walls but the guards weren't _that_ thick, they were bright enough to notice someone performing a complicated magical spell barely ten feet away. He'd have to go up there and have a look himself.

"Hey! Guards! Can I have a word?" the two guards slouched over to the now door-less cell looking as bored as they were permitted to be.

"What?" Trust the guards of Camelot to only have monosyllabic conversations.

"Look, I know that I'm supposed to rot in here until I die a fiery death at the steak or whatever n the morning, but there seems to be some sort of battle going on and I'm fairly sure I might be able to help so if you could just see to letting me go for an hour or so…" it was clear from their expressions that they weren't buying it. "OK… tell ya what, I'll give you a shoe, can't run too fast without a shoe, and you can give it back to me when I get back." He hopped for a bit whilst trying to undo his laces before handing the bemused guards the aforementioned boot.

"Mad!" one of the guards muttered, still loud enough for Merlin to hear though.

"Yeah, your right, I look daft with one shoe." He thought for a moment before wrestling his remaining shoe off and handing it to the other guard. "Guard that with your life." He said before running up the stairs to do who know what to whatever was attacking the castle this week.

.❃.❂.❃.

It was about half an hour later that a noticeably more bloodied and generally dishevelled Merlin made his way back down the stairs, picked up his boots from where the guards had dumped them and went to sit down on the straw pallet in the doorless cell. He had just finished retying his laces when Arthur appeared at last.

"Ah, good, you're still here. You're free to go by the way, my father's had a change of heart. Oh and you missed all the action. A giant basilisk attacked the castle whilst you were in here."

"Really? What happened?" Asked Merlin, employing his immense acting skills to at least try and keep a straight face.

"It was strange really, it just sort or exploded, no one knows why."

"Yeah… strange…"

"I know one thing though, Merlin"

Oh Gods this was not going to be good "Sire?"

"You're going to be spending a lot of time clearing up snake guts tomorrow." Arthur said with an annoyingly arrogant grin.

Merlin looked around, taking in the idiotic guards and the broken door, not to mention the lack of basilisk entrails. "Can't I just stay here?"

**Oh, who says I'm not weird…**

**Any chance of a review? Oh and virtual cookies if anyone saw the Dr Who quote. XD**


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